You narrowly avoided a near-death experience after your entire body was lost during a transporter mishap. Luckily, Miles O’Brien and Katherine Pulaski were able to reassemble your molecular structure using DNA recovered from the inside of Wesley Crusher’s ass

After the blue horned alien was incapacitated by a kick to his knees during a prison fight on Rura Penthe, it became apparent that this was actually the location of the creature’s genitals

This not only explained why the alien had been injured so severely by the kick, but also why you had spent the previous evening licking the creature’s kneecaps instead of looking for an escape route from the penal colony.

You became the second Starfleet officer on record to be penetrated from behind by a Nausicaan, although your encounter was entirely consensual.

Your rectum blew up like the Klingon moon Praxis when Chancellor Gorkon ejaculated inside of your ass.

Dr. Julian Bashir was forced to pump over a gallon of semen from your stomach after you mistook Commander Sisko’s order to service every turboshaft on DS9

Captain Archer kicked you off of the Enterprise NX-01 when he walked in on you forcing his beloved beagle to lick cottage cheese off your balls

During a routine patrol of the Neutral Zone, the Enterprise’s holodeck experienced a catastrophic power failure. When an emergency engineering team was dispatched to investigate, they discovered that you had overloaded the system by attempting to reprogram the scenario ”a Fistful of Datas” into a new program entitled “a Fistful in Data.”

Geordi La Forge activated the Enterprise’s emergency shutdown procedures after he mistook the infrared heat signature from your raging erection for a warp core meltdown when Picard asked you to backup the captain’s log.